The parents came and took me to a hospital. They said I was in shock. Or having an anxiety attack. Or Both.
All I knew was that I was out of the school and no one was laughing at me anymore.
I was given a shot of something and put in a hospital bed. I was left alone in a quiet room for a long time. Whatever they gave me took a very short time to work its magic. I already felt calmer and I reached a state of inner peace.
Without my mind racing, I was able to collect myself and realize how much shit I’d gotten myself into. I could never go back to school there. Not unless the parents wanted me to beat a few bitches’ faces in. And I’d messed up the only real friendships I’d ever had. Sure, they cared about me, but I would be shocked if they let things go back to the way they were before.
And Sebastian. Why had I blurted out that stupid question? Now he would know for what had happened with Austin. There was no way he could forgive me. And I would never ask him to.
I sighed and heard something move. At some point, they’d come in my room. I decided to keep my eyes closed and hoped they’d go away. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone.
“I think she’s awake.”
“Huh?”
“She just moved, and I swear her eyes opened a little.”
“The doctor said she’d be twitchy like that for awhile. She probably just had a spasm. When she’s awake, she’ll be awake.”
“There, she did it again!”
“James…”
I sighed. “I’m awake, since you boneheads don’t know how to shut the hell up,” I mumbled.
I heard movement around me as everyone in the room attempted to get closer to the side of the bed. Someone grabbed my hand.
“Who’s there?” I asked. I didn’t want to open my eyes still. Somehow the idea of seeing the light of the hospital was frightening to me. It would make everything all the more real.
“Look and find out for yourself.”
I shook my head stubbornly. I knew James and Jacki were there because they’d been bickering but I could tell there was more than just the two of them in the room. And the hand grasping mine felt like Sebastian’s.
“Well, it’s me, Dr. Jean,” came a familiar voice when I still didn’t look around. “I’m going to ask everyone to leave for a minute so I can talk to you alone. Then you can have them come back in if you’d like.”
I didn’t answer. I should have known he would be there when I came back around. I’d only had a slightly explosive meltdown. Maddie probably had him on speed dial.
“Is that okay with you?”
“Do I have a choice?” I grumbled. Someone, I was pretty sure it was James, laughed.
“Of course you do. You have to talk to me eventually, though, so it’s either now or later.”
“How about never?”
More laughter. Jacki’s was pretty distinct.
Dr. Jean sighed. “Will all of you leave for a moment, please? Go down to the cafeteria and get something to eat. I’ll send a nurse to get you when you can come back in and talk to Danny. Go on.”
I groaned and they laughed again before the door clicked shut and I was left alone with Dr. Jean.
“Danny, open your eyes please,” he said after a long pause.
“No, too bright.”
“Would you like me to turn the lights off?”
“No.”
There was another tense moment of silence.
“Danny, you will have to face the world eventually.”
“Eventually being the key word there.”
“Okay, for now we will just talk then.”
I heard him drag a chair over to the side of the bed and the springs squeaked as he sat down. I imaged him holding the same notepad he’d had during our sessions.
“Talk about what?”
“The procedure.”
“What about it?”
“Well, did you know that the results weren’t the same in all cases?”
I thought about that for a minute. Of course I knew that. No two cases were the same. But what he meant was did I know there’d been a chance it wouldn’t work? Would it wear off over time? Well, that would be obvious to anyone who went through it.
Slowly, I opened my eyes and stared at him.”
“Did you know it wasn’t real” I whispered.
His jaw dropped a little. Nope. He hadn’t known that.
“Yeah… there wasn’t anything medical or matter of fact about it. It was hypnotism and a little more therapy. I think you have to be at rock bottom and believe that hypnotism works. I don’t. But…” my voice cracked and I closed my eyes again. “But I hated being such a disappointment. I really tried to let it work. I absorbed everything they told me about what would be my new life. I played along and molded myself into Danielle. Into what everyone wanted me to be. I’d been pretending to be okay for my whole life. What could be so hard about this?”
“What happened when you became Danielle? What went wrong?”
My lip trembled and I squeezed my eyes shut to hold in my sobs. “Everything. I tried so hard to be what everyone wanted, but it never worked. I couldn’t be perfect. I couldn’t be peppy. I couldn’t be… slutty.” I sniffed and clenched my hands into fists. “And they missed me. The real me. They actually cared about Danny, not just Danielle.”
“Of course your family cares about you…”
“No.” My eyes snapped back open and I glared at him. “No. Jack and Maddie were over the moon in love with their new perfect daughter. They didn’t miss me or care about me. You can be sure of that. I’m talking about my friends. I hurt them by going away. But I had to try to be the perfect angel that everyone else wanted me to be. I had to try to be sane.”
Dr. Jean frowned, but nodded. “Okay. But then what happened?”
I turned my stare to the ceiling. “But then it all blew up in my face. Sebastian kept trying to talk to me to figure out what had happened. Jacki was angry with me and James blamed himself for everything that made it harder for me. I cracked under all the pressure of trying to be perfect. James found me cutting the other night and I tried to play it off…” The tears pooled in the corners of my eyes and a few escaped to slide down my temple. “All I wanted was to be someone’s angel. Anyone’s… I just should have known from the start that the only kind of angel I’d be capable of being is a broken and bleeding one.” I choked on a sob and turned away from Dr. Jean.
He gave me a moment before he spoke again.
“Well… that is the most that you’ve ever opened up… Even if the procedure wasn’t what either of us expected it to be, it has led you to this breakthrough. Now, I think you should continue to come see me at least twice a week and we can talk through this new development.”
“What? No. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m tired of being a patient and I’m tired of feeling insane.”
“Danny… you aren’t insane. You have just been through a lot and have come out a little worse for wear. You need someone you can talk to .”
“Then I’ll talk to Jacki.” Even as I said it, I wasn’t sure if she’d be up for the task. “I’m tired of being analyzed.”
“No one is-”
“Everyone is! They’re all just waiting to see what crazy and scandalous thing I’ll do next.”
“Okay, okay. Relax. You were treated for shock and if the nurse comes in and finds out you’re getting upset again, she’ll kick me out. I really would like to continue our sessions. But I can see you need a break. I’ll talk to your parents and see what they think and I’ll send your friends in to see you, if you’d like. I’m sure you’ll be released to go home if you keep calm, okay?”
I nodded and he left after a gentle squeeze to my shoulder.
James, Jacki, and Sebastian were back in the room a moment later. Clearly they hadn’t gone as far as the cafeteria. The gesture made me smile a little. They crowded around my bed and Sebastian took hold of one of my hands.
“Are you okay?” Jacki asked.
I shrugged. “I guess so. Thanks for being there… even though I didn’t really deserve it. Those preps would have eaten me alive.”
They laughed a little.
“I’d always be there, even if I was rude about it. I couldn’t just stand there.” Jacki squeezed my other hand.
“I’m sorry that I went away…” I continued. I could already tell that I’d been right in thinking that things weren’t going to go back to the way they were. None of them were quite meeting my gaze.
“Just glad to have you back,” James said a little too quickly.
I wanted them to leave. It would never be the same again. And I didn’t need more forced friendships. I averted my eyes, wondering what excuse I could make. But Jacki saved me, as always.
“Let’s go get some coffee, guys,” She said. “We know she’s our Danny again. So let’s let her get a bit of rest.”
She walked towards the door and James followed her. Sebastian hadn’t released my hand yet.
“You guys go on, I”ll catch up in a minute,” he said.
Jacki raised an eyebrow at me and I nodded it was okay. The two of them left and I prepared myself for the wrath of my ex-boyfriend.
“Danny…” he let go of my hand and stood up. That hurt more than anything else. “Why didn’t you tell me what happened to you?”
“I wasn’t supposed to.”
“No, not the procedure thing,” he waved a hand and shrugged. “I mean your past. Why didn’t you tell me about the shit with your real family and the orphanage. Jacki ended up telling me so I could kind of understand why you’d decided to go through with this procedure thing. I was more upset that she’d known and I hadn’t.”
“I… I don’t know. I didn’t want anyone to know. I hadn’t meant to tell Jacki. I was just drunk and she asked about my scars…”
My eyes filled with tears and I had to look away. But then Sebastian grabbed my arm and tugged my sleeve up to reveal my arm. He traced a finger over the white lines and shook his head sadly at me.
“Danny… I asked about your scars.” He dropped my arm. “Did you think I didn’t notice them? For christ’s sake, Danny, I’ve seen you naked! They’re all over your body. They’re too exact to be an accident. I figured it out, I’m not an idiot. But I was waiting for you to trust me enough to tell me on your own. I didn’t want to get you drunk and ask you personal questions. I wanted you to open up to me on your own.”
I flinched at his anger and didn’t know what to say. He was right, of course. I was the idiot to think he’d never put it together, to think he wasn’t curious. Maybe I’d just hoped it was too dark in his room…
“I’m sorry…”I whispered at last and he collapsed back into his chair.
“Me too,” he mumbled.
“Can we… can we start over?” I pleaded, the tears overflowed from my eyes. I didn’t want this to be the end. Even if it wasn’t ever the same again… I just didn’t think I could stand for it to be over…
Slowly, he took my hand and I could see a smile creeping over his face.
“So… Danny girl…” I felt warmth spread through me even before he met my gaze. “I wanna get to know you.”
I laughed and sobbed at the same time. “I like the sound of that.”
—
I was released from the hospital the next day. Going back home was going to suck. I knew Jack and Maddie were going to be anything but happy now that they’d had a taste of perfect Danielle.
Dr. Jean gave them some professional explanation for why the procedure had failed and then told them to keep me out of school for a short time. He thought the situation at school would blow over and I could go back soon enough. He was probably right, but I didn’t think I could look at Megan, Bonny, or Austin again without wanting to claw their faces off.
I was home alone with Maddie. She ignored me and it was actually starting to hurt my feelings. I could tell she didn’t want me around anymore so I tried to stay out of her way. She’d liked Danielle too much to be willing to settle for just plain old Danny.
Around lunch, I went down to the kitchen. She paused in her cleaning when I came into the room, but then she went right on washing the dishes as though I wasn’t there. I opened the fridge and poked around for some lunchmeat and cheese. I took it to the counter and looked over at Maddie.
“Would you like a sandwich?” I asked in as level a voice as I could manage.
She dried her hands and left the room without looking at me. That stung more than I’d thought it would. What would she have done if I’d called her mom? Scream at me? I decided to just ignore it and made my sandwich. I ate standing at the counter and then finished the dishes she’d left in the sink. A small part of me hoped she’d maybe appreciate the help.
At the top of the stairs back to my bedroom, I heard Maddie on the phone in her room. Since I wasn’t worried about being perfect anymore, I stopped by the door to listen.
“No, she’s not doing anything wrong. She’s just… hovering.” She paused for a reply. “I don’t want her around anymore, Jack. She makes me feel uncomfortable. There’s something funny in her eyes.” Pause. “I know this is wrong. But… can we take her back to the orphanage or something?” Pause. “Okay. I’ll see you when you get home.”
I slipped into my room and closed the door quietly before she came out into the hall. I sat down at my desk and opened my journal.
Starting over…
I’d rather be insane than alive. Insanity would at least give me something to blame it on. Everyone around me acts like I have the plague.
My father is gone. My mother left me. The orphanage ignored me. They all gave up on me. Maybe if someone back then had had hope, I still would. But I don’t.
Maddie doesn’t want me around anymore. Jack didn’t want me in the first place. Maybe I should give them what they want and put myself out of my misery. What’s the point of even trying anymore? No one will care if I fail.
I know I’m going to die alone. I have come to terms with that. This is how it will all end.
It shouldn’t be this hard… living. But it is.
And I’m tired.
-Danny
—
In the middle of the night, I snuck down to the living room to stare blankly at the television instead of at the ceiling of my room. Thirty minutes went by before I realized I was no longer alone. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see James leaning against the doorway. I pretended he wasn’t there.
After another ten minutes, he shifted and came to sit next to me on the couch. I could feel him staring at me, but I kept my eyes glued to the screen. I was tired of people acting like I was going to explode.
“So,” he said, but didn’t continue.
Great… he didn’t have anything real to say to me either.
“What?” I asked, still not looking at him.
“What have you been up to?” He said lamely.
Small talk. Great.
“Nothing. You?”
“Oh, just you know… school and stuff.”
Wow. This was going so well. I sighed.
“Sebastian wants to know if you still want to see him.”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“He said he’s called a few times and you wouldn’t talk to him.”
I glanced at him and shook my head. “Your mom must be blocking his calls. I didn’t know he’d tried.”
“Why would she do that?”
“Because she doesn’t want me anymore. I heard her tell Jack she’s taking me back to the orphanage.”
“What? She wouldn’t do that.”
“Wouldn’t she though?”
We stared at each other for a long time. He looked away first. I got to my feet, the victor.
“I’m going to bed.”